I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
