I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
