never play flip cup with pint glasses
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
