In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
