Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
