You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
