pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
You can't motorboat a personality
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
