Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
