Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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