OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
