Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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