I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
