anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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