Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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