Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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