After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
