Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
