I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
