Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize