do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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