I'm pants shitting drunk right now
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
