Where did you get a picture of my penis
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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