Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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