I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
