omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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