There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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