I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
