Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
