every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
