Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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