Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Bring me that man meat
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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