Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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