I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
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