She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
