It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize