Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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