Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
