3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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