K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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