Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize