I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
