I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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