I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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