I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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