It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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