If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize
