We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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