First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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