you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
3 2 1 whiskey
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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