Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
