I just saw a hot homeless man
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
