Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
