We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
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