I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
