I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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