just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
