Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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